Let me start with the Saturday afternoon panic attack. Upon further self-reflection and wise observation from our tour manager Noma, there was plenty I could have done to avoid the panic attack, but alas is the life of a strong-willed, headstrong woman. I had to do it my way.
When I arrived in Denver, I was hellbent on prepping all the tour merch for the following day’s tour opener in Boulder. To accomplish that, I arrived at the band’s rehearsal space and spent the next five hours opening boxes, counting inventory, and organizing merch. Somewhere around 6 AM MST, I called it a night. With the time change, I’d been awake for approximately 24 hours.
First-day tour excitement got the best of me, and despite my attempts to rest, I emerged from my bunk after only 3 hours of sleep. I explored a bit of Boulder, grabbed a coffee, found a postcard to send home to Todd, and then wandered back to the venue to knock out my PA and merch duties. The afternoon was capped with a visit from my former swimming teammate and high school friend Meg Murphy. We haven’t seen each other since 1993, which is crazy knowing how much time each of us has individually spent on Phish lot (her more so than me.) Somehow, we never managed to run into each other. The hang was amazing. The conversation flew as if there had never been a gap in time, and I easily remembered why we’d been friends in high school. The show came down shortly after midnight, and by the time the trailer door finally closed and I took a shower, I climbed back into my bunk at around 3 AM.
Saturday started with more sleep and a scenic drive to Fort Collins. This time, I only had time to find my postcard (in case I didn’t mention it, this is something I do in every city) before loading in. After building the mics and drum hardware, I chugged a sugar-free Red Bull and started my merch build. And then, 30 minutes later, my world started crashing. The lack of sleep, time change, extra punch of caffeine, and physical exhaustion finally caught up to me. My body started to shake, my heart started to race, my brain tried to shut down, and I couldn’t focus. No amount of Trintellix was going to help me now.
I tried to ground myself by telling Noma what was happening. He pointed out that the Red Bull probably acted as the final straw, and I’m fairly sure he was right. So now, I was stuck. Nothing I did helped relieve the feeling. I tried to regulate my breathing but couldn’t find my center. We had a VIP event in less than an hour. I had work to do. I HAD to pull it together. So I did the only thing I could think of doing; I sent a text, and 15 minutes later, I was in the green room on the phone with Todd, tears streaming down my face and letting go of the stress of the last 48 hours.
That moment was all I needed to pull myself together. I hammered out the rest of the night like a boss bitch and more than doubled merch sales from the last time the band played the venue almost exactly one year ago. And then I spent all day Sunday and most of today sleeping. We’re on the road to Durango, and I’m looking forward to bonding time with the band and starting the week off with a fresh attitude.
On the other side of the panic attack, I realized something hyper-important. A fact that, while not lost on me, is imperative on this journey. I am one of the lucky ones. Touring isn’t just a sacrifice to the people on the road; it’s also a sacrifice to the loved ones back home. And those loved ones either get the job and support you or don’t. And despite many things on his plate, my person took 10 minutes from 1500 miles away to support, distract and calm me. Having someone, I can rely on when the stress of the day is so overwhelming that I question my ability and reasoning for venturing on the road is instrumental in my success.
Life on the tour is an amazing journey. There are obstacles on every stretch that challenge and divert your path. Sure, you can go it alone, but the truth is that when you hit that inconspicuous pothole, having emergency roadside assistance, even across the country, is the only way you can get back home in one piece.
